Okay, now this is a fiction story… here we go…

I see where you’re going, and it’s a nice story set up. Lots of little grammar things distracting from the whole though (Who’s = whose, and it’s a fragment. The whole second paragraph is hard to follow due to grammar issues). Hate to nit-pick, just trying to help as the thrust and power of the piece gets totally lost cause of this stuff. You can tell you have great stuff bouncing around in that head of yours…just needs some polishing in presentation.