It was a warm autumn evening, and I was jacking off in front of someone’s house. I felt it coming, but had nothing upon which to spoog. Scanning in a soap-in-the-eyes panic, I found a McDonald’s double cheeseburger wrapper, and peeled it from the underside of my passenger-side mat. I sploinked OK, but when I went to wipe off the head, I passed out from the pain.

As it turns out, I severed the tip with a sharp, hardened glob of cheese.

To be continued…