Calvin knew the second the words were out of his mouth that there was, officially, no way for this night to end well. First of all, the limo was already out front, an hour early. A peacock and the soprano wrestled in the koi pond, tangled up in the soprano’s hoop skirt. And now people were screaming recriminations that fizzed and sparked in the air like the ash swirling away from the blazing crepe-festooned gazebo. Debbie stood across from him, panic threatening to contort her face beneath a thin sheen of sweat, and the exact, perfect words delivered as he offered her the ring in his pocket could have turned all of this into a hilarious story, a wacky mis-adventure with a romantic twist. But instead, he looked into her green eyes, he saw her plea there to please, Calvin, make this all better, make this alright, and opened his mouth and said “Well… at least your dress doesn’t make you look fat.”

Disaster!