ok Freedom I couldn’t resist the urge to hae a fight in there. Kahn had it coming to him. Plus, I want him to get the snot knocked out of him. lol
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KAAAAAHHHNNNN !

No? OK.

Pretty good story, I have just a couple of pointers, the script format tends to be limited in terms of communicating emotion, I’d stick to a more narrative format if I were you. Two other little things, you jump tenses about halfway through, which is jarring and I find your dialog doesn’t flow naturally in places. Something I find that helps with that is reading dialog aloud and tweaking until you hit a rhythm that sounds not only natural but good.

Well this format is how Freedom and I roll. If you see our past series there is a pattern. You can still put your emotions in there, Freedom and I have found our ways to put it in there. I triple checked I didn’t see any tense changes so if anyone else can help me out on that, that would be cool. I normally read it out loud too when my family isn’t around, but they are so nope. 3 stars? Comon I know you liked it better than that. No? Well, whatever.
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You are right, I wasn’t comfortable with three stars, but I’m not quite feeling four either so, tell you what, edit out the tense change which is: Past: “I turned my head to Kahn who looked like he was afraid, but trying not to show it.” Present: “Mike leaves me side and starts walking to Kahn. Kahn steps back a bit then stands his ground.” and we’ll talk.

got it, no need to get fussy. I have a defensive nature, I can’t help it but defend my story if I feel like someone totally slamed it. Sorry if I made you angry, wasn’t my intent.
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Why did I just give myself fie stars? Wow, idiot. That is what happens when you comment 20 stories in one night…. I’ll make it three, just like the andrew dude did.
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Ah, no I make it a rule not to get angry with internet people. I wasn’t trying to slam your story, I was just trying to lend a hand and make the Wrath of Khan joke.

Hey, hey I see four stars! Thank you! =D
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Aww man, I missed all the tense conversations. So not fair. Hah.

Thanks for the advice, Andrew. You know when I first came to this site, that was how I wrote but I’ve changed in some of my other stories and just loved doing it like this with Blu. Thanks though. My English teacher did say that editing was not my thing. Hah.

Great sequel. Now I get to follow it up! I love getting all my anger out with fight scenes. Though I’m in a good mood now so it might not be so…violent. I’ll see what I can do.

Aww man, I missed all the tense conversations. So not fair. Hah.

Thanks for the advice, Andrew. You know when I first came to this site, that was how I wrote but I’ve changed in some of my other stories and just loved doing it like this with Blu. Thanks though. My English teacher did say that editing was not my thing. Hah.

Great sequel. Now I get to follow it up! I love getting all my anger out with fight scenes. Though I’m in a good mood now so it might not be so…violent. I’ll see what I can do.

Dang it, the stupid POST COMMENT button never works the first time. UGHH

Lol, Freedom, I think your angry now. hehe
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this series is awesome!! i just read the whole thing…
great job, can’t wait for a sequel!!

congrats on reading the whole thing, we have a pretty long series going here.
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This is a really good series, that tense conversation was ..kinda weird but hey!!

haha love the comments, guys! seriously tense convo it’s cool though, you handled it well.