When I had finally calmed myself, I allowed myself to think of my options.
Option 1: Leave. I couldn’t stand losing him, but the agony of knowing I’d killed him would be too much. I’d hate myself, I’d force myself to live so I could torture myself. But could I live without him? Separated from him? I felt empty at the thought, and the world suddenly seemed pointless. What would I do without him? I would do nothing. I would wither away in despair. But maybe, he’d be safe… or maybe he would wither away too…
Option 2: I could go back and try to work things out. I could risk his life trying to stay with him, trying to make our relationship work.
Option 3: Stay, but end my relationship with Davincent. It would hurt me, cut me deeply, and it would hurt him too, but it would be livable. We would still see each other occasionally, but I wouldn’t be endangering him as often.
I wanted option 2, I knew option 1 was the safest for Davincent, and I knew that option 3 wouldn’t work.
Indecision sucks.