1. Acquire chalk, preferably white but pastel colors acceptable.

2. Use chalk to draw five-pointed star on ground. Embellish design by placing circle around it and smaller designs on outside of circle. Include four Elder Sign patterns among smaller designs.

Step 3: Summon Cthulhu. If you are uncertain how to do this, reference Necronomicon ex Mortis.

Step 4: Ask Cthulhu to summon forth book to be signed. Cthulhu will insist that you commit human sacrifice in His name for this. But don’t worry, He never checks if you actually do this.
PLEASE NOTE : Cthulhu doesn’t need to leave circle to purchase book from local Barnes & Nobles™ with His American Express™ card that gives frequent flyer miles; He is lying.

Step 5: Ask Cthulhu to summon forth author to sign previously obtained book. Cthulhu will insist that you have sexual intercourse with a Deep One in exchange for this. But don’t worry, sex with fish-people isn’t that bad; merely close your eyes and imagine yourself with Bea Arthur or Ron Jeremy.