hey one of my mentors in college used to say everytime you have to stop a sentence you pause the thought, and motion is how the reader measures time so he would make me combine sentances to like say he would make me come up with four different ways to say the last paragraph that starts with melenaie, but i am pretty sure you will be a published writer and then you willhave an editor so that is what they will do, ijust thought that might make you think, i am always looking for things to think about lol.

She hangs with Hollywood elite..

She hangs with Hollywood elite.. spiled brat.

I agree with trifal, his reads very choppy and doesn’t flow nicely. I suggest you insert a couple of commas instead of fullstops.

“For some reason that city is just oozing with talent.” If you’ve ever been there, you’ll know that it’s oozing a lot more than just talent. Shoulder-height piles of trash line the sidewalks on a daily basis. You don’t want to even try to imagine the smell.
I have to agree with the other comments. I think you have a good story here, with well thought out characters, but your sentence structure leaves a little to be desired. It’s a learned skill though, so just keep practicing and experimenting.