hey i thought she bought the dress cause it looked good with the diamond encrusted bracelet she already had and look if you want to keep guys reading about designer shoes you have to add some fan serve…..for example the dress fell onto the small of her back like a lovers hand balancing somewhere between pressure and weightlessness the feeling caused her to bite her bottom lip as her silk stockings slid intothe jimmy choos like a satin fingers in a lambskin gloves. (see fan service man is the a.c. on here)

See on the planet of trifalmador we dont have latex so lambskin is only used for one thing,…gloves duh what were you thinking about? man you have a dirty mind.lol just needlin ya

dressed to the nines, ready to party..
and trif.. whoa….ur comment need a mature lable dude lol

I agree with trifal, your story is rather flat, it does not have any similies, metaphors, adjectives, adverbs or even interesting colour names. Try writing about midnight blue, eggshell, crimson etc. It gives the pictures more depth and lets the reader imagine things better.

I think Pyro’s comment here is a little harsh, but fairly accurate. Smilies and metaphors are very helpful when doing a descriptive piece. Putting a few in here would be nice. Triflgrlarblx (or whatever =P), has an excellent example.

Also, back on your short, stuttering sentences. Instead of “She puts them on her feet. She walks over to her floor length miror and observes herself in it. She admires herself. She looks great.”
Try “She slides her feet into the shoes, then walks over to the full-length mirror to admire how great she looks. A satisfactory grin exposes her hand-crafted smile as she approves the ensemble.”
Not necessarily perfect, but it should help give you an idea.