The story part is good, but you need to work on your sentence separation and use of commas. For instance, in the last sentence of each of the first two paragraphs, you should replace the comma with a period and capitalize the next word. There are also some places where commas are not there that should be. One trick I use is to read the sentence aloud in my head, and put a comma where the pauses go.

Also, I think the description of her hair could use a little work. While I appreciate the description, most people don’t describe their own hair as “glorious blonde waves” (unless they’re incredibly conceited). It’s the sort of description someone might use for someone else, but not for oneself.

These comments are offered in the spirit of constructive criticism, and are not meant in any negative sense whatsoever.