You’ve got an interesting character here, with some intriguing insight, but your story is really suffering from the lack of editing. I suppose this short, limited form kind of makes it easy to just type away in that text box until it’s time to hit submit. However, I think it’s very important that you spend the time to read back through your story, sometimes aloud, to see where you could make it better. It will make you a much better writer in the long run.
John Perkins