I sit there in between emotional convulsions. The sorrowful feeling exits my body. The not crying, comforts me. I feel the sadness build up inside me. But I ignore it, mentally I chose to ignore it. Crying seems to take up too much energy. Usually when I cry it makes me feel drained.

I wasn’t always this way, I had a time in my life when I would cry all the time. The doctor, a thoughtful and helpful person, she was. Perscribed me these pills. And after taking them for a week, I would cry at the drop of a hat. For no reason or warning beforehand.

I was in a relationship, where crying rendered me helpless, I felt weak and out of control. Crying didn’t do anything but make me feel worse. I felt helpless and alone. It would usually make me feel worse than had I not cried.

Maybe if I didn’t cry, I would have remained in control, and didnt feel like I was losing control. I know that I wouldn’t have felt so alone and lost. I can’t cry now.. I can’t bring myself to that point. I avoid it at all costs.