I have not been sleeping, and Sara has been asking me why. I lie awake at night, just looking at her trying to work out how she can still sleep next to me after what I did to her. And then I get out of bed and I go to make coffee and I try to tell myself that if she can forgive me then maybe I should too.
When she finally woke up we learned the truth. Her doctors were not able to explain it, but something had happened in the crash and even though there was no visible trauma Sara woke up blind. She was only in hospital for a week in the end, but Louise came and stayed with us for a month after she was released. I still had to work and Sara needed to have someone around.
So in the middle of the night, while I am drinking my coffee and wishing I could smoke, what I am really doing is looking for any tiny way for me to escape the guilt that I feel for her blindness. I know that she would be angry with me if she knew what I was doing, but she would be angrier if she knew I was lying to her about my insomnia.