This is too much summary and not enough story. Have you heard the instruction, Don’t tell, but rather show? You might want to try that here because this seems like it would be a good story.
I’m thoroughly confused. Too many pronouns, and like Ana said, you should have shown, not told. What if all of us wrote that way? This would be long since a dead site.
♠Ana Cristina♥
Mask By The Moon