“911, what’s your emergency.”

“Yeah, there’s a dude in my house.”

“Please repeat that sir.”

“There’s a dude. He’s in my house, I don’t know who he is.”

“Is the man threatening you or your family?”

“No, he’s asleep on the couch. And he’s snoring.”

“He’s asleep?”

“For the time being. I aint waking him up ‘till you folks get here.”

“We’re on the way, sir. Please stay on the phone with me until officers arrive.”

“OK. What’chu want me to talk about?”

“Can you describe the man?”

“Yes. He’s about 6 feet tall, he’s buck naked and he’s on my couch.”

“Does he have any distinguishing marks?”

“Yeah, he’s got a strawberry birthmark on his right butt cheek. His butt’s real hairy, but I’m pretty sure that’s what it is. He also likes Doritos.”

“Sir, how do you…”

“Cause he broke into my house, ate up all my Doritos and fell asleep bare assed naked on my couch! Are the officers on their way.”

“Sir, please don’t yell.”

“I can wake this dude up if I want to. It’s my house.”