This is a total mess. mark it as draft and re work it. Pretend you’re reading this for the first time.

This is a total mess. mark it as draft and re work it. Pretend you’re reading this for the first time.

This needs more of a set up. What you’ve written here is the crisis point of your story. In dramatic terms, this would be the end of the second act and the start of the third, where we have the climax and the resolution. And this could potentially be very good, but in order for it to work you need to build up the story behind it and give your audience a reason to care about what happens to Leslee, Sarah, and Connor.