I grew up as an Air Force brat – my Dad was a pilot and was deployed to El Salvador when I was about 12 years old. While this may or may not be about a military family, I certainly enjoyed it and can relate to the emotional impact. The picture is perfect for this story as well. Great job!
I didn’t like it. To me, it seemed forced and insincere to me, sentimental and lacking in real emotion. To me, it seemed like an idealistic portrait of two-dimensional people. The subject matter is powerful and full of potential, but, to me, it seems that it was communicated weakly.
” it seemed like an idealistic portrait of two-dimensional people. The subject matter is powerful and full of potential, but, to me, it seems that it was communicated weakly”
I have to agree. I think you need to add some spice to it. You need to give the story something that people haven’t read before. There has to be a reason to keep your audience reading. So far is seems like a piece anyone could write. Add something that makes you, and your piece, unique. Build off of this, and good luck!
I’m with 2808: this author should make use of spell check. It’s hard to appreciate a story when there are so many misspelled words. The story could use some work as well. It reads like the author has not really experienced this kind of separation in their own life. The old adage “Write what you know” is very appropriate here.
Yes, it’s most definitely about the words, and words are more important than spelling. However, it helps if words are spelled correctly, unless alternative spelling is part of the author’s artistic intention. This way, the words communicate effectively and the reader is not distracted from their power by unintentional spelling errors. Grammatical and spelling errors (generally) take us out of the “dream” or sensory scene that the writer is trying to convey. Just a tip to help the author hone their craft.
Saint Chuck
LiSteN2MeE11
khepa
YodaOnCrack
Baby Doll
User 2808
User 2813
Zohra Picouly
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Samantha Woodland
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