My love, please; do try not to take it personally. Remember our first days together? Why, you so thoroughly took care of my every longing and need that Harry himself had to admit that he was no longer of any good use to me, and he promptly left the house with only his twelve-pack and the remote in tow.

You knew that I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I suppose we could have patched things up, but you also knew that it was never in me to be able to resist the tempting lure of an upgrade…