“On the 28th day of February, Thurston O’Malley was pronounced deceased on the scene of what bystanders would later label ‘gruesome’ and ‘tragic’. Failing to take notice of a bus rapidly approaching a nearby stop, Mr. O’Malley was felled by an unknown amount of metal struggling to make lost time.

“Thurston, proud father of three children, sporadically-faithful husband to Madison O’Malley, and noted head of Public Transit, will be interred today in St. Mary’s Chapel ground. The funeral will be private, though police blockades will be erected in accordance with the iron-fisted chief’s last wishes.”

The laid down the newspaper and noted with a grimace that the obitituary section had tastefully omitted my editorial contribution:

“For want of hubris, was crushed by the scaffolding he spent his life erecting.”