Your story is fine. But, I think for clarity it could have been rearanged a bit better. Let the reader know a little earlier who the “I” is. For instance: I watched as my daugher screamed and fell to the floor. That would let us know the players earlier. Good Job.

Wyatt’s right, but still a great story, great use of teh mature button.

Wyatt ISN ’T right. Your writing is perfect, and displays a great sense of suspense. Great writers make you want to keep reading to find out who the “I” is.