. . . I, uhhhhh. . . hope you’re enjoying your flight on Pancontinental Airlines. We apologize for the delay. I know we’re behind schedule, but we’re currently stuck in a holding pattern over Los Angeles International Airport, and I. . . and. . .

. . . damn it, I can’t do this. I know what headquarters told us, but these people deserve to know. No, don’t give me that bullshit, Carl. I flew fighter jets over Vietnam. I’ve been lied to by the man in charge. I’m not gonna be that man, not in this lifetime.

As of three hours ago, LAX was hit by what might have been a terrorist attack by some biological or chemical agent. We’re not sure. All we know is, FEMA has cordoned off the scene and sent in hazmat teams, but so far, there are no survivors.

As for us, air traffic control at LAX was among the casualties, so we will be rerouting to Burbank.

One more thing: Pancontinental Airlines will be providing free in-flight phone service for the rest of the flight.

Thank you for your cooperation.