The story is ok, but it needs cleaning up.
Delete: “framed in my thick dark eyelashes” and: “pulled back with his movement, the very gravity of him” Without these two sentences the story will flow better. (In my humble opinion)

I think the “pullled back with his movement…” one can stay but the other, “framed in lashes…” does indeed prolly need to go. I mean, they are both really descriptive statements, but the lash one is not really needed. :)

I think the “pullled back with his movement…” one can stay but the other, “framed in lashes…” does indeed prolly need to go. I mean, they are both really descriptive statements, but the lash one is not really needed. :)

Whoa! That was really good. I love how you described everything. I could totally see this a future series! Awesome job :]