“Welcome to the Lougheed Ridge Particle Accelerator.”

“Please debark the lift. Have your signed release form ready for the monitor; you will receive a dosimeter in return: please clip it to your lapel. During your tour, you will never come into close proximity with the collision point or any of the particle detectors, but Lougheed Ridge safety protocols require that all visitors be notified and remain in compliance.”

“When all members of your party have been issued dosimeters step onto the slidewalk, which will carry you through the adit to Accelerator Control. When the slidewalk stops, please take a seat in the viewing gallery where a member of the Lougheed Ridge Particle Accelerator Public Outreach Staff will provide a brief presentation about the accelerator, its inner workings, and scientific merit.”

“Studies have shown that 9.5 out of 10 people find the facility’s blue lighting scheme to be soothing. Please do not worry, fret, or panic if the lights turn red.”