I still remember finding her, how faded she was. How she faded into nothingness. I remember the overpowering sense of loneliness and sadness and grief. And anger.

The anger, oh the anger. I wanted to find him. I wanted to hurt him, to make him suffer like he’d made her suffer. I wanted to kill him, too. I remember how scared I was of these feelings, of how I had forced myself to stay calm. But now, as I look back, I wish I hadn’t stayed calm. I wish I had acted on them. That feeling scares me more.

But mostly, I remember Julianne. Her soft, bouncy hair. Her nose, her freckles, her eyes. At night, I think of her smile. Oh, Julianne, your smile. And the way the smile lit up your whole face. It was like the sun coming out from behind a dark, gloomy cloud. Oh Juli, oh Juli. I miss you so much.

I hold in these feelings. Not just for my family, but for me. Because I wouldn’t last a second thinking about her.

But at night. Oh, the darkness, coming down to relinquish me of my pain. At night, I cry. I just cry.