“Ladies and gentlemen,” he says, addressing the assembly of the United Nations, “I’ve come before you today with an important announcement.

“I grew up in a small town in Kansas, raised to believe in all that was right and good, and to fight for those ideals most of us hold so dear. I have fought evil men who have wanted to rob, enslave, or even out-right destroy you, and and help you have a peaceful world where all men, women, and children can live in safety.”

He bows his head and sighs. “And you just… don’t… freaking… get it!” He looks up, glaring. “You still fight over strips of land. You’re willing to kill each other over the slightest insult. Rob people of the basic human rights because you’re scared they’ll do the same to you.

“Maybe it’s the blue and red tights. Or the cape. Maybe that’s why you don’t take me seriously. Well, guess what? No more! It ends now!

“As of today, you can drop that stupid moniker the papers saddled me with. From now on, you will call me God, and I’m taking over!”