This, ladies and gentlemen, is on the list of things that you should say to your boss if you want to get fired.

This…this is different. My boss would never mess with me. I’m not sure why he’d even hire me in the first place. I couldn’t count how many times I’ve been accused of arson.

My criminal record is about as clean as that piece of toilet paper you used to wipe your ass last time you defecated.

A lot of things can happen when you have a psychopathic older brother who bought you your first copy of The Anarchist’s Cookbook for your thirteenth birthday.

The coming of age.

I’m over most of the stuff now, I’m on a three-year probation period. In my situation, it’s almost like house arrest, except I’m only allowed to go to certain places. It’s pretty strict. The feds don’t me anywhere near anything that I could fashion into an explosive.

I can’t even buy cat litter or powdered sugar. That kind of stuff is more deadly than you would think.