I sat on the couch in Joel’s living room and held a napkin in my hand from dinner. My nerves were causing my hands to tear at the napkin and little pieces fell to his coffee table. I took in a ragged breath and said, “You know, you’ll be the only person that will know this, besides relatives and people who’s names begin with doctor.”

Joel took a seat beside me, “Then don’t tell me. I’m not forcing you to.” I knew I had to tell him. I had to warn him to not get affilated with me. “I was once different than I am now. I used to be much more rebellious and free. Then I…I was…oh God,” I felt a flashback returning. I was unearthing the terrible past that I buried years ago…and it was coming back with a vengeance. I mouthed the word.

Thankfully, Joel understood, “Oh God I’m so sorry. So so so sorry Hazel.”

“The worst part is, I’m not finished.”

Not by a long shot.