The pukes call me Snowball—whatever. I’m the leader of a crack special ops unit currently operating in deep cover at a house known as The Lady’s. Besides me, my team consists of Tinkerbell and Mr. Smoochy.

Tinkerbell is a noob – she has no idea what she is doing which is why we send her on all the suicide missions – fetching MREs from the sink while The Lady is still in there and so on. She gets by on good looks and charm, which occasionally scores her some extra MREs even after an Op.

Mr. Smoochy does diversions. High speed and unusual trajectories around obstacles enable him to do maximal damage in minimal time. The incident with the floor lamp got The Lady out of the kitchen for a good two hours, although the screeching and potential for forced R&R for Mr. Smoochy in the mud room was a bit distracting.

My job? Masterminding, acrobatics and complicated Ops. If the top of the refrigerator or cabinets come into play, I’m there. If a door needs to be wedged open, I’m there.