First off, know that I hate tea.

I hate the pretentious, arrogant socialites that hold their pinkies up as they sip from their bone china cups. The way they titter and snicker, like the rest of us are some big joke that only they can hear.

I hate the way the English hold up tea time as some sort of last bastion of civility. The way they think that just because they stop killing themselves for a couple hours every day to have a drink, and maybe a cucumber sandwich, they’re somehow better than everyone else.

I hate the way the health-food whack jobs keep yammering on about green tea, black tea, oolong tea, this tea, that tea. Tea is going to save us from all the vile crap we keep using to poison our bodies. Antioxidants and vitamins to counter the cheeseburgers and cigarettes.

This is getting me nowhere. Let me start again.