I was born Vladimir Ashkenazy. I changed my name at the age of 19, after an epidemic of piano pogroms swept the nation.

It’s just as well. When I was 6, I lost the ability to play the white keys, after an inexplicable reaction to a corn dog (the corn used in the batter had been genetically engineered).

Researchers have never been able to reproduce this effect, though intervention by entrenched agribusiness interests is suspected. And of course, the embattled piano industry has long lost any clout.