This clearly lacks spirit. But you know what? I like it. It could be a great opening for a story b/c it says a lot in very few words. When I read this, I picture a schoolboard member reading it in a meeting. And then the story unfolds, etc. You’ve got something here, so I’ll give it a 5.

You need commas. It’s very hard to follow without commas… or even dashes. I agree with Yoda’s first comment.