hmm…its all right on its own, i suppose…but it’s way too different a style and mood than YodaOnCrack’s that I just don’t like it. It’s too ‘cut and dry’, everything explicitly stated in the simplest sentences possible with typos and grammar errors.

I agree with Blue, but also I think that for those of us who haven’t read the book (either at all or just not recently), this moves far too quickly.
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I’m only giving you 2 stars (sorry), but if you revise it, I’ll be happy to come back & re-read.