I stared at my cat, watching her bat around a pencil on the carpet. She looked so at ease, so content with her simple activity. Meanwhile, I was full of anger, embitterment, jealousy.
Jealous that I wasn’t born a cat, a basic creature without the terrible burden of emotions. At least, no emotion she can’t forget about 3 minutes later.
Tonight, I realized, I don’t know if I can be friends with Ben after all. Which is a thought that pains me to my core. I’ve been miserable the last few months without him in my life. But I was miserable the few months before that when he was.
There were moments tonight. Invisible to others, obvious to eachother. Stares that lingered a little too long. Contact that didnt need to be made, but still was.
Mike ignored me during the screening. I’m not sure why. I don’t know if I even care.
Because all I can think about is Ben’s last hug tonight, and the all-too-familiar overpowering scent that still continues to leave me breathless.
And, unfortunately, powerless.