Elvis Presley married Marilyn Monroe in aisle five of a Shop & Save in Strongsville, Ohio.

They exchanged vows between the canned vegetables and salty snacks.

I should know – I was a bridesmaid. I walked past the frozen foods to go down that aisle, the bride herself a few bridesmaids behind me.

Of course, you probably knew all of this already. You read about it already in The Glossy Slime probably. It was their highest-selling issue of all time.

And there’s that full-length, full-color picture of me right on page two.

I am sure that Barbie-pink taffeta has a merit somewhere in society; I’m just not sure it should be placed so close to bright teal.

But I can’t go on.

It makes me shudder to think about it.

You might be wondering how I became such close friends with Marilyn to begin with.

Well, that’s a funny story . . .