Dear Gossip Girl, Hollywood Heroin,
I cut myself at night because my boyfriend broke up with me.
—SoEmoIDon’tKnowWhatToDoWithMyself

Dear SEIDKWTDM ,
Duh! Why are you wasting time cutting yourself?!! Go cut STAB that nasty boyfriend!

Dear double-H,
I’m ADHD . My girlfriend hates me because of it, she only goes out with me because I buy her expensive things. What do I do?
—MentalHottie

Dear MentalCreep,
That’s really messed up. Just in case you want to know.
And, one word: Pills. Just, please, for all our sakes: no Ecstasy.

Dear Hollywood Heroin,
I like this girl, but she likes my friend. What do I do?
—Ladytroubles

Dear Ladytroubles,
Please see SEIDKWTDM ’s response. Except, of course, I sincerely hope the friend isn’t really your boyfriend…just a friend who’s a boy.