The knot in my stomach unraveled as I stepped from the cab, pouring anxiety into my bowels. There are some mornings you just know will devolve into tempestuous days before you leave home.

I blame the telephone, or perhaps whatever idiot decided to place it at the wrong side of the bed. Today, it got to me before the alarm clock and belched a series of shrill chimes; I leapt out of bed, but not before thoroughly gutting the device.

Yesterday I robbed a gun shop with a chainsaw. I’m not a bad person, really, just… impulsive? That’s what Susan said before she ran off with Pilot Quincy or Queereye or whatever his name was. I loathed her that day, but you know, she was right. Anyway, I needed a gun to rob the tuxedo store. Tonight is the prom.

The Elderborough High School gym never looked so good, and neither did Harriet. She was waiting for me on the steps outside in a silky lavender gown. I was so nervous, I made sure my revolver was still in my coat before pinning the corsage, then I escorted her inside.