Cellars are generally rather murky but this one, Vance had decided, had to be one of the murkiest. If Channel Four ever got around to making a Top Forty Dingiest Cellars Ever countdown program, featuring celebrity opinions and cellar-related anecdotes, this one would probably find its way into the top five. He could already imagine Paul Heaton talking about how he didn’t really like this cellar very much, followed by a clip of Su Pollard saying this was probably one of the most important murky cellars of our time.

Vance then began to wonder if the cellar really was the murkiest one he’d been in. He didn’t usually spend a lot of time in cellars, murky or otherwise, but being chained to a cellar wall can influence one’s opinion on the matter.

“So,” said the tall man in the dark coat, “Will you talk?”

“Probably not,” said Vance.

“Are you sure?” the man asked, holding a bottle of teatree shampoo.

“Surely you don’t intend…”

“Yes!” he grinned. “In your eyes, Mr. Vance. Truly a fate worse than death.”