Ficlets

Sign In | Blog | Help

Comments

Average Reader Rating:

1. Bagman: Reverse ADHD

   KevMullins

   Posted 6 months ago

   

   OK, another great entry. But, your gonna hate me, I found the first paragraph a bit disjointed from the others. If I’m reading it correctly, it’s your main characters thoughts, what if you italicized it? It would make the transition to the rest of the piece less jarring.
   I know this is an “effect” of the 1024 limit. Still enjoying your series though. :)

2. Bagman: Reverse ADHD

   JLaughter

   Posted 5 months ago

   Yeah, this was a bit of strange “filler” type entry. I’d started off with a whole different train of thought on the first paragraph, then totally shifted gears.

   I don’t really think the first paragraph deserves italics, though. It’s not so much an internal dialog as it is kind of a mood-setter, if you will. I might take another look at this another day and decide to change it, though. It doesn’t really fit well into the story right there.

3. Bagman: Reverse ADHD

   John Perkins

   Posted 5 months ago

   

   Since this is told in first person, I don’t see that it needs italics. And it’s more a benefit for the reader than something the narrator is internalizing. It could go either way.
   You did misspell “losing” in the second to last paragraph though.

4. Bagman: Reverse ADHD

   JLaughter

   Posted 5 months ago

   Second time I’ve done that, and I thought that I was using the right word. You know, like “letting loose a whole helluva lotta bullets.” Loosing? I’ll have to check it out.

5. Bagman: Reverse ADHD

   John Perkins

   Posted 5 months ago

   

   Well, the issue is that “loosing” isn’t a word that I’m aware of. “Loosening” is, but I don’t think it’s what you’re going for here. How about “spilling?”

6. Bagman: Reverse ADHD

   JLaughter

   Posted 5 months ago

   Yeah, I guess it’s just a bad habit I’ve gotten into. Changed “loosing” to “unloading.” Writing first-person, past-tense is tough for me, I can’t think that I’ve ever done it before. So it’s kind’ve an experiment for me.

   Appreciate the critique, John!

7. Bagman: Reverse ADHD

   Ana Cristina

   Posted 5 months ago

   

   I have the same bad habit as your narrator does, the reverse ADHD thing. I am a supreme multi-tasker!

8. Bagman: Reverse ADHD

   Mighty-Joe Young

   Posted 5 months ago

   ok but our language is an evolving language so i say use loosing.

Want to comment on this ficlet? You need to sign in!

Inspired by

• I shrunk Benny’s feed to a small, high-speed rectangle tucked at the corner of my subconscious. I worked fast, skipped past l…

  A sequel to Bagman: Ghost in the Dinette

This story's tags

av, chip, chrome, coke, cyberpunk, decker, flight, guns, ice, illegal, interactive, lowlight, metal, net, news, nirvana, red, reporters