A champion glass-eater at the tender age of 12, Antonio E. Lopes turned to a career in writing in the hope that literature might be less damaging to his mouth and esophagus. Sadly, it was not to be. Mr. Lopes has been without the use of his mouth for nearly a decade now, despite several experimental surgeries and a veritable lifetime of therapy. It’s a tragic story, but an all too common one among the indigenous author tribes of the Amazon River basin, where Mr. Lopes has never been.

CHORUS
La la la la la la la la la woooo

(Hey, does anyone else think it’s kind of strange that they offer a little checkbox for if you’d like to see stories marked “mature,” but they don’t offer anything for if you’d like to see stories that are marked “immature?” No? No one else finds that odd?)

Mr. Lopes has to go now.