Notice: The people from the Gossip Girl franchise came and told me I couldn’t use the name anymore…so from now on, I’m Hollywood Heroin!

Dear Hollywood Heroin: I tried explain to my Spanish teacher why I wasn’t getting good grades, but he didn’t believe me. He says I’m a liar and that no perro would ever eat my homework. Advice?

—estudiante en cuestión

Dear estudiante: I would calmly explain to him why your “perro” ate your homework and then if he still doesn’t believe you, tell him to empujar tu preparación en alguna parte dolorosa.

Dear Hollywood Heroin: You’re now named after a drug. Unless you accidentally left out the “e”, you imply “heroin”, and not “heroine”, which actually doesn’t suit you nearly as much as the former.

—The Same Concerned Doctor Who’s Even More Concerned

...Okay, let’s skip that one.