Dear Amberly,

No, I cannot rescue you, you wretched wench. Although, on the bright side, I’m awfully delighted that you’ve come to terms with yourself and have admitted that you despise Alec. Oh, how I am brimming with delight.

By the way, glad you liked the tape, I’ll have to make you another, more annoying one to follow. And yes, I did remember your horrible time in Paris, and thought to remind you with equally atrocious sixties French pop. It was the least I could do.

Matt says hello, he’s heard how incredibly horrid you are and wants nothing more than to laugh atrociously in your face. Okay, well, I added the last bit, but take it from me, I’m sure he thought of it. Or, I thought it for him. No matter.

I really think you need to rescue yourself, take my advice. But don’t come running to me thinking its going to be easy. You’d have to sleep on a fold out couch and live on cold Belgian waffles, none of your fancy princess stuff you’re used to.

Never mind.

Sincerely,

Kingsley