I continued staring at the phone, listening to my brother sit there and breathe while he waited for me to find my way out of the nice Dan shaped indentation on the couch. Finally, he snapped. “Pick up!” he shouted. “I’ll tell Mom what you said about Grandma at the last family reunion!”

Within seconds I found my sense of propulsion and yanked the phone out of its cradle, holding it away from my ear. Ever since my brother had told me as a child that there was a tentacle monster waiting inside the phone to wrap its suction cupped tentacles around me and force me to talk for the rest of my life I’d been weary of getting too close to the earpiece.

No wonder he and I never talked anymore.

“Yes?” I asked casually. “I’m sorry that you were forced to threats, but you see, I was in the bathroom after a particularly fierce bean burrito and-”

“Dan, I don’t need to hear this.”

“No, seriously, you should have seen the size-”

“Dan!”