I’m not entirely sure where this idea came from; it just emerged, fully formed, from my brain this afternoon.

It may be that I’m not feeling well, and I’ve been reading Crooked Little Vein.

Let’s just say i would have done the same thing.

LoA

It’s a good idea, I think…
It’ll make a good series if you continue it.

:]]
You Know You Love Mee!
FIVE STARS

descriptive of the woman.. such rage.. temper impatience.. and regret all in one story.excellent.

Warren Ellis does seem to bring out the best in all of us…

I wanted to experiment with 3rd person limited narrative, so I tried to write this from Wallace’s POV , filtering the experience and descriptions though his obviously disturbed psyche.

I think he does feel bad after he hits her, but I don’t think it’s the first time this has happened, now will it be the last.

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I’ve been on the DL for a month, and I’m glad I can work back up to speed by writing ficlets.

If it were me, it would have come from the “things I’ve always wanted to do but legally can’t” place.

I liked how you used smell to describe her before Wallace actually saw what she looked like. This makes me want to know more. Why is his psyche disturbed? Who has he hit before? Is he bothered that he hit a woman or that he hit someone at all? If a ficlet makes me that curious, it’s teh awesome.

It really bursts through the starting gate, doesn’t it? I immediately want to know just what in the world is going on in Wallace’s head. The short temper and the fact that this all took place in a pharmacy line means his story should be interesting. I want to know what his motivation is. Awesome. Good to see you writing again!

Cheers.

was it starbucks or peets?

Wil,

First let me say that I’ve become a Twitter addict because of you (and Dave Winer). Your Tweets make my day. Seriously.

Now that the obligatory fawning is out of the way, may I make two small suggestions?

1. “[…] radiated off her and assaulted him” is awkward and wordy. I know what you’re getting at, but make this a bit punchier.

2. “Fck you, @sshle” sounds more believable (and less outdated) than using the epithet “pal.”

The story itself is quite dark! A bit Palahniukesque, perhaps?

Andy, it was Gloria Jean’s.

Twisted story, but I like it

Weird how he seemed to be having a good day and that one lady ruined it for him.

I was SO enjoying this until I got to the end. AHH ! Now what?

That’s the best kind of story Wil. Great work!

Thanks for the note, Mariva. That phrase is a little clunky.

I don’t know why that woman says, “pal,” but she does. Maybe because it’s even more condescending and snotty than “asshole,” like she has total contempt for him. Hey, maybe that’s why he punched her?

I honestly don’t know the answers to these questions, but it sure is fun to think about them!

Ha – powerful image of a meth addict gettin’ knocked around. Funny.

Wil: You have a point about “pal.” Perhaps as you continue the story further, that part of the dialog will seem naturally in line with her character. I’m willing to suspend my disbelief! Let’s see some more. (Maybe when your sinuses are healed.)

Sheesh, I meant to upgrade my rating to four stars, but Ficlets is exasperatingly slow to respond. It’s making Twitter look downright reliable.

Great description of the woman…I know her!

Gritty and harsh, like the characters involved. Way cooler than my lame addition to the ‘awesome’ cavalcade of someone decking a complete stranger.
LoA

i vote that you continue it, wil!

The ending surprised me. I thought the woman was going to do something to Wallace because he seemed like a mild guy. So much for that, huh?

I’d love to read more.

I like. Yet again, your talent for writing comes through, Wil.
I do have to admit, though, that I was killing myself laughing after reading it. Why? Because, thanks to having an 8-y-o son, I kept picturing Wallace from Wallace & Gromit. But, aside from not being able to get that image out of my head, and great read!

A great, bold, powerful story. The character is intriguing. I want to know more.

This one is the perfect sort of ficlet in my mind – just enough detail to make me want more, and left wide open for someone else to come along and continue it.

Also, the dialogue works, and the story is interesting, and in a scary way, believable.

Really good. I like it. You depicted the kind of thing that would happen to anyone at a dumpy Rite-Aid

ehh its crazy, yet its awesomee. what happens now?

LOVING YOUR HEARTBREAK IS RIGHT , AWESOMENESS.

I like this line: He smelled her before he heard her: cigarettes and booze, stale and sour, radiated off her and assaulted him.

very evocative.

But, violence!

Kind of reminds me of that scene in the movie “Falling Down” where Michael Douglas goes postal on some gang bangers. Quite the emotional scene, Mr. Wheaton. Nicely done!

I must admit, it wasn’t the wisest move, but it was well deserved in context.

awesome. :)
LoA

This reminds me of geek stink breath. Not bad.