Continue!
I command you!
^Please?
LoA

Haha good job.
LoA

I like the idea, and hearing Demi’s thoughts as well was a great touch. The only thing I’d change, if I were you, is that going from past tense to script format to present tense to script to past tense (and so on) gets a bit wearing – stories tend to flow a lot better if you choose one format and stick with it.

Well mycroft, it was while he was talking and he already said what he was going to say so what she thought would be in past tense. It also looks like the first one is in present. I awoke and I stood up seem like present to me. I do stink at keeping it in present but I think this time I actualy kept it that way.
LoA

Wow. This is good.

I still like the dialogue style. And even if I can’t really identify with Demi, it’s an intriguing series. =)