Not completely thrilled with this. Let me know if I miscounted on any of the lines so I can fix it. I might still add some more to it, after I’ve given my brain some rest. :p

I thought it worked quite well, offering more detail and more depth with each line. Nice work on a difficult challenge.
LoA

Very fluid, continuous, building in content and development with each line. Poetic. Emotionally empty, as is should be, because the character is longing for something. Maybe that’s why it feels unfinished to you; it’s restless. Nice work!

There’s probably no way I could say it better than these two have, so I’ll just say it’s fantastic for the very reasons their analysis expounds upon!

Emotional, real, heartfelt – last line sums it up well. Outstanding work!

I actually like how one more word per helped the mood and feel of this. It works. Nice job.