They said they found his body, but they were liars.

You see, Hitler never killed himself, he just vanished. Nobody wanted to admit they couldn’t find Hitler for fear of retribution, so they made up the suicide story and held a fake funeral. After a few years he still hadn’t turned up, and even the liars began to believe their own lie.

So what happened?

Turns out, the Nazis had discovered the ultimate weapon: Time travel. Hitler buggered off to the 3rd century B.C. and took the secrets of the technology (and Eva Braun) with him.

He had a heck of a plan.

He assembled an army of 7,000 of the mightiest Chinese warriors in the Qin Dynasty and taught them to manufacture and use automatic weapons. He filled their horses’ saddlebags with hand grenades.

They were coming to the 21st century.

Problem is, the technology didn’t work on a large scale. With a flash, it turned the whole army to terra cotta and only Hitler escaped, appearing in Iowa on his birthday in 2008 with no clothes and a terrible headache.