I was half-asleep, fully reclined on the sofa when I heard his voice. Penetrating deep into my subconscious, it broke my slumber. A loud snort emanated from deep inside me as I made the unnaturally quick transition from passed out to full alert.

My legs twitched awkwardly, causing a severe and immediate spasm in my lower calves. I winced theatrically in pain. My feet instinctively performed the anti-cramp maneuver where my toes roll up towards my head, heels thrust outward. The pain began to slowly subside, enough at least, for me to continue my mission.

I launched my right arm towards the remote, pulling my torso along with it. The shiny savior glistened in the light on the cushion next to me. The blue LCD called at me with its myriad of options to remove the blight that is Ryan Seacrest from my living room.

My outstretched fingers were within inches from the device when suddenly, it vanished.

“Oh good, American Idol is on.â€?

I look up to see my wife, smiling back at me. It was then that I began to cry.