I like the mood you’ve set here. A nice little beginning to something. My only complaint is that it’s a somewhat mundane beginning. I am interested in your universe, but a lot of that is from the success of your last series. I would like to have seen some twist or something in here forcing me to read on. This is a good mood-setter, but I’m not sure it’s a big “wow” opener like you had in the last series. I think this format kind of demands a “wow” opening.
As usual John, I totally agree with your analysis of this piece. It 100% is a mundane setup for the next piece with the twist… I just didn’t have enough space to do the setup and the twist at the same time… stepping out on a limb here. This one is more a “toy” that popped into my head on the way to work with no direction at all, I’m literally making it up as I write.
Ah, the limitation bug again. Dude, I don’t think I’ve ever written anything (school papers excluded) where I knew where I was going. I just don’t have that part of my brain working that tells me where the story is going. Usually I come up with a scene or a few words then go from there. It’s what makes this format work well for me. I’ll probably contribute to this series when I get an inspiration. Now that I know you don’t have an endgame, I’ll feel less guilty about throwing you off course.
I posted a comment, but it didn’t show up. Try again…sorry if it repeats. Gonna focus on the grammatical stuff if it does, that was the important part. You know I like your stories.
1st paragraph, you used “it’s” instead of “its.” “It’s” is a contraction for “it is,” and “its” is a possessive pronoun.
4th paragraph, 2nd sentence just feels clunky to me. Maybe: ”…wondered what it would have been like to be here in her glory days.”
And last paragraph, I think that “now” was meant to be “new.”
i really like the idea of turning wonderland into a mall. its one of those things i wish i would have thought of, and it kind of makes a huge twist. so now i really wonder where ur going. also love the description of the mall. very cool.
I’m-THAT-Guy!, I <em>always</em> get “its” and “it’s” mixed up. I totally agree with the Clunkiness of the 4th paragraph, I rewrote it about 100 times and could never get it to come out right.<br />John – You are right… I did transpose the “a” and the “now” Six Feet – Thanks, I’ll admit I used that name to get the funky title for the piece!<br />All – I always appreciate all feedback both +/- so never feel like you can’t comment… it’s the only way I’ll learn :)
John Perkins
KevMullins
John Perkins
JLaughter
John Perkins
Six Feet Under The Stars
KevMullins