Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) – Your cat will soon get feline leukemia—from your hamster

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 19) – You will soon be abducted by Elvis

Pisces (Feb 20 – March 20) -Your left ear will be torn off by an evil faerie goblin seeking revenge for what you did to his family.

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Your house will be egged by a flying monkey released from captivity

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Your face will be rearranged by the insidious henchmen of Donald Duck

Gemini (May 21- June 20) You’re dead. Get over it!

Cancer (June 21- July 22) Someone close to you will find you wearing a Wonder Woman costume 12 sizes too small

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You will find a boa constrictor in your dry cleaning

Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22) Something is seriously wrong with your pet rock

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23) Your best friend has just been gored by a bull elephant

Scorpio (Oct 24 -Nov 22) You love cheesy poofs and you would be lame without them

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21) You do not matter. Really,