Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) – The stars reveal that your parakeet will escape and get hit by a runaway train.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 19) – You will soon be shot in the head by your spouse for not taking the garbage out

Pisces (Feb 20 – March 20) – At your wedding today you will attempt to do the limbo and get a concussion

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – Every time you pass gas, a child dies. Stop the madness!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – Do your bills so the IRS doesn’t attack you brutally with a carrot.

Gemini (May 21- June 20) – Rice is nice and you know it!

Cancer (June 21- July 22) – You’ve been pwned, n00b!

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Po the Teletubby just did a naughty in your pillowcase

Virgo (Aug 23- Sept 22) All adders are puffs, especially yours

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23) Your dentist has just been replaced with a failed surgeon

Scorpio (Oct 24 -Nov 22) Watch out for Santa Claus

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21) You will have great luck in all rhino dealings today.