Capricorn(Dec 22-Jan 19)Your brain will shortly be taken by two bisexual aliens on a shopping spree

Aquarius(Jan 20 – Feb 19)You shortly will become very frustrated when you try to follow a non-existent link: here .

Pisces(Feb 20 – March 20)Your boss will soon break into your living room demanding you buy them an electric toupee

Aries(March 21 – April 19)Your mother will claim she is about to croak for the seventh time this week

Taurus(April 20 – May 20)You must beware of Geminis that carry a chainsaw around with them

Gemini(May 21- June 20)The stars and planets align for you in big capital letters that read SHEEP

Cancer(June 21- July 22)Everybody you know hates you

Leo(July 23 – Aug 22)You will soon become addicted to watching Bambi vs Godzilla over and over again

Virgo(Aug 23- Sept 22)The zoo is your final sanctuary

Libra(Sept 23-Oct 23)Run Away

Scorpio(Oct 24 -Nov 22)Go attack bugs!

Sagittarius(Nov 23 – Dec 21) You will shortly learn a startling truth about life and death as well as Mr. Rogers